John Martin, "The Garden of Eden”, 1821
The closer men came to perfecting for themselves a paradise, the more impatient they became with it, and with themselves as well. They made a garden of pleasure, and became progressively more miserable with it as it grew in richness and power and beauty; for then, perhaps, it was easier to see something was missing in the garden, some tree or shrub that would not grow. When the world was in darkness and wretchedness, it could believe in perfection and yearn for it. But when the world became bright with reason and riches, it began to sense the narrowness of the needle's eye, and that rankled for a world no longer willing to believe or yearn.
Walter M. Miller Jr., A Canticle for Leibowitz
When Things Are Bad
When I finished my undergraduate course at university, as if evidence to its pointless, it took me fourteen months to start a job.
At that time, the covid escapades were just beginning, making finding any hope for the future difficult, let alone finding a job. During this time, I did very little of anything: I started two Masters degrees, and dropped out of them both; I took a few trips to England with questionable legality; I made a Twitter account.
Eventually, after an age of vegetating in my family home, I was offered a job. Not just any job, but a very serious Graduate Scheme job. I thought this would be my break, and that I was set on a path towards the apotheosis of monetary achievement and life satisfaction. How wrong I was.
During the 9 months it took from receiving an offer for this job and the job itself actually commencing, I came to realise how much I hated doing nothing, and how little the things like internships and graduate schemes actually had a positive impact on life. Instead, I found fulfilment in other things: cooking, woodcarving, nature, writing, and so on; those of you who follow me on Twitter are already aware of this.
I started my job in September 2021, my first real post-university job. I lasted six months out of a three year work contract. The constant training, the breakout rooms, the googling how to edit pivot tables. Life was meant to be so much more than this, I assured myself, and I decided in January 2022 that it would be.
When you tire of living, change itself seems evil, does it not? for then any change at all disturbs the deathlike peace of the life-weary.
By this point, I had gathered a small but dedicated following of likeminded individuals on Twitter by posting about my hobbies at this time, notably cooking and writing, and sharing some tips through the latter at how to get better at the former. I was convinced by several people to write a cookbook. I thought this to be a silly idea; I had never worked in a restaurant, and was a total beginner at cooking. But, perseverance persisted, and I started writing.
My experience as a beginner home cook developing into an experienced and sometimes even good home cook, I realised, could actually be a template for others in my position to follow. I could fill the niche by providing people with actual tips on how to master the absolute basics of home-cooking, since that was all I could really claim to do.
I published this at the end of January. Within the weekend of publishing, I had made double a month’s salary at my graduate scheme. On Monday morning, I handed in my notice.
Kieran Valde, “After The Conversion of Saint Paul”, 2021
When Things Are Good
The past six months have seen me take on something that I could only refer to as exponential aspiration. My audience on Twitter has grown, allowing me the opportunity to connect with many brilliant minds and learn more than I ever could at university. My happiness in life has exceeded anything I’ve had before, due to rediscovering a love of simple hobbies and finding many people online to share my joy with.
Through my writing and postings on social media, I landed a better job, paying more, skipping several years of career progression by the general definition. Everything seemed like it was going great.
Until I realised, after no particular event had occurred, that I can always do better. I was happy with my higher income until I saw people online who do what I do, only better, earning more. I was happy with my book sales until I saw others sell more. I love my current job, but have a constant apprehension of the perceived need to move up another level.This is the curse of exponential aspiration. When you constantly surround yourself with people who are doing exceedingly well in their fields, you start to under-value and under-appreciate your own successes. Those 1,500 book sales seem impressive until someone else sells 15,000. The comfortable job only seems comfortable until you crave more excitement and challenges.
It is important in times like these to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Back to the start of this story.
When I finished university, it took me fourteen months to start a job.
When I left that job, I immediately found a better job.
When I started writing, I couldn’t get more than a hundred views on a piece of writing or a tweet.
Now, I can get a thousand times that if I put my mind to it.
It is beneficial to a person’s intellectual and emotional development to seek constant improvement, to undertake new challenges, and to feel deserving of more. It is not beneficial to do these things in comparison of others’ achievements. Many life situations preclude or precipitate positive events, especially luck.
There is no such thing as a level playing field, especially when you start as small as a bug.
Every success and every failure should be viewed only in comparison with your own past, your own accomplishments and goals, your own aspirations. It isn’t a competition with others, but a competition with the other versions of yourself. And chances are, you’re winning that race.
Speak up, destiny, speak up! Destiny always seems decades away, but suddenly it's not decades away; it's right now. But maybe destiny is always right now, right here, right this very instant, maybe.
Take care,
AJP
I love this. I was entering college during the pandemic and that was hard. I can't imagine what it was like to find a job in that environment. I also really admire your bravery in leaving a job you knew that you didn't like and taking up writing. I would really struggle with summoning up those kinds of guts.
I also wanted to mention that your writing is very beautiful. I hope my writing can read like yours one day. Great post, thanks for sharing.
yes, ty